...Attempted to Wrangle a Possessed BlackBerry

My phone has basically turned into the telecommunications version of Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

Maybe this is my fault, as the start of this strange behavior did seem to coincide with me spilling a full glass of pinot noir on it at the pub last Friday night. But anyway, as we're not here to assign blame let's just focus on the facts. Whether or not it was caused by the pinot baptizing, the once docile child I'd spent hours playing with; proudly taken out to show-off in public because it was so pretty and smart; slept easy next to knowing it was peacefully resting in "sleep mode"; is now rotating its head on an angle which defies both god and man to stare with its dead, soulless eyes and spray green vomit all over me. Seriously. I try to type an email or do anything at all functional - like unlock it when I want to or set a morning alarm, just like we used to in the good old days - and the keys randomly activate themselves, turning words into gibberish and the time zone from Melbourne (where I clearly am) to Hawaii (where I'm clearly not). Needless to say I need actual English when trying to send through product release strategy to Japan (as they only read Japanese and English there and not gibberish) and I would like to wake up in time for work and not the afternoon luau. And that's not all. If the battery's in, the screen light never goes off. I can't leave it alone by itself unlocked as even sitting quietly on my desk it starts to spasm, the screen flashing as it jumps wildly through assorted menu icons, cackling its hateful cackle at me and draining the battery. It's even banned me from using the internet on it. Where there was once Facebook and instant weather updates, there's just... nothing. How foul, strange and unnatural is that? A BlackBerry that DOESN'T web browse?! That's just a really large and useless phone, DAMN IT! OH GOD! ANGELS AND MINISTERS OF GRACE DEFEND US! BE GONE DEMON!!!! BE GONE! I COMMAND THEE OUT!!!!

The point to all of this? Just remember that it could happen to you too. So take my advice: even though it's been given the name of a fruit (a thing in nature that usually doesn't mind a good rinse) don't get your BlackBerry wet. And never, ever feed it red wine after midnight.

Yes, I know that's a different film reference, but you still get the point.