I'm just going to put this out there. Judge if you want to. But here goes...
I like to sunbake.I deliberately go out and lie down in the sun. With as many clothes off as possible to maximise how much of the sun can "get" on me in one go.
And I know this admission is not at all politically correct. I write this post in full knowledge that the anti-cancer council will most likely seek out my home address in the coming days to form a lynch mob to chase me down the street. They'll throw those ugly baseball caps with the neck-covering flaps at me until I fall to the ground, upon which they will kick me repeatedly and then drown me in a pool of 500+ invisible zinc sunblock.
But I can't help it. Sunbaking is like crack to me. I can't get enough. Well actually, it's more like a weekend social smoking habit that I can't quite kick... and don't seem to have any plans to give up anytime soon. As I no longer smoke "for reals"* I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to turf this potentially long-term health risk/ short-term source of instant gratification as well. You see, I have so few vices left. At one stage you could have called me "Vicey McVice-Vice". Which would have been a dumb name, but pretty accurate concerning my lifestyle choices. Now I'm living pretty clean. But I do need to keep SOMETHING that resembles a vice of SOME description. Don't ask why (that would probably take a lot longer to unpack than anyone here's actually got). I just know that I need it. I'll stay off the cigarettes and making up most of my weekly calories in booze, as long as I can keep sunbaking and coffee. Deal?!
The other problem with going the "No Gary! No!" route with sunbaking, is that the sunshine makes me happy. REALLY happy. It gives me happy chemicals in my brain and makes me feel WARM. This is actually important to me. So much so that I believe I'm genetically part-reptile. I cry if I get too cold. If my body gets below a certain temperature, I can't think and my body shuts down. Like a crab going sleepy-bys in the freezer. And I know a crab isn't a reptile, but I'm sure you get the point.
Right about now you might be asking me why I don't just go get a blanket, stitch a hot-water bottle into my underpants and wear mohair-blend clothing all year round? But I'm not talking about needing to be "man-made" warm. I'm talking about the Aztecs sacrificed virgins to it**, we live and die by all mighty Ra, "Apollo I bow down before thee" kind of heat THAT ONLY THE SUN PROVIDES. My idea of heaven is a sunny day that never ends, with a hot rock to lie on and an epidermis that never, ever burns. Period. Oh, and maybe to have my boyfriend AND Robert Downey Jr (shirt off, covered in movie sweat like in Sherlock Holmes) there too. With gin and tonics***. Obviously.
In addition (and I'm not sure if it's chicken and eggs or simply "like-attracts-like") but the best friend I've had in my life for the last decade or so is a self-confessed tanorexic. Which is fair enough in my opinion as she does look bangin' with a tan. My Mother once attempted to chastise her after arriving at our house post-solarium session by warning she would turn into a "California walnut" one day. However, that didn't really land considering my Mother is the person who taught me "it's never okay to get sunburnt... until the LAST day of the holiday". She's also the person who calls me a "wuss" whenever I attempt to apply sunblock of any kind.
So long story short: what I did today, was go to the beach with my Mum and the California Walnut. We were all very excited. 36 degrees. Blue skies. We stretched out on the beach for FOUR whole hours with not a t-shirt, umbrella, sunhat or beach tent between us.
But please don't fear, good readers, I DID wear sunblock. Reef Tanning Oil.
Hey, at least I'm not a crack addict.
*this is true 98% of the time
**proof that "saving it until your married" may not work out so well for more than the obvious reasons
*** Bombay, lots of ice, fresh lime. AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING LEMON IN THERE, SATAN, BECAUSE I'M IN HEAVEN YOU BIG LOSER
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